Grief, A Brief Primer

Grief is an intensely personal and universal response to loss, affecting every aspect of our being. The journey through it is not linear but a winding, often chaotic path of denial, anger, sorrow, and, eventually, acceptance. While the pain can feel all-consuming and isolating, it is a testament to the depth of our love and connection to what was lost.

Healing does not mean forgetting or simply “getting over” the loss. Instead, it is a transformative process of learning to live with the absence. Just as a broken bone may never be the same but learns to bear weight again, a grieving heart learns to carry its loss while still moving forward. This journey requires patience, compassion, and the courage to feel the full spectrum of emotions, creating space for acceptance and new growth. With time, support, and self-care, the intense grief can soften, allowing cherished memories to bring comfort rather than pain.

Since the COVID pandemic, telehealth has become a popular way to see your doctor from the comfort and privacy of your home.  Telehealth can either be done via video visits and/or telephone visits. Most insurance companies allow both medical and mental health visits via telehealth. It is always wise to check with your health plan first prior to having an appointment with your provider via telehealth to ensure that it is a covered service.

Telehealth is effectively used for mental health care and can be just as good or better as an in-person visit. Telehealth is HIPAA compliant, and your sensitive health information is kept private and confidential. Many clients feel more comfortable talking to their provider while using telehealth. Patients feel more comfortable, less rushed, and more relaxed while getting care at home. The other benefit is avoiding your provider’s waiting room and being around others who might be ill, thus exposing yourself to germs and viruses. Your personal privacy also is ensured because someone who knows you may come into the waiting room and wonder why you are there. Both your privacy and health are protected while using telehealth. Another big benefit to telehealth is that it saves you time and money. You no longer need to drive to your provider’s office. Because you are at home, there are no transportation costs involved and/or any wear and tear on your vehicle.

Does this sound too good to be true? Telehealth visits are advantageous to most people and can be a life saver in terms of convenience, cost, and effectiveness. COVID has really changed the way that health and mental health care is delivered. Ask your provider if you can try it out and see for yourself how easy it can be.

What is hope and when do we call upon it?

Hope is linked with desire and anticipating better things in life.  Perhaps you are experiencing some difficulties and things have changed with your plans, your family, your health, your career, your finances or whatever it might be.  You may feel on-edge, uncertain, and/or negative about something and think that life has left you in the lurch without many options.  We humans usually don’t call upon hope unless something is awry with our lives, and it is usually only then that we begin thinking about it.

What is troubling you today?  Are you concerned that your job might end and that your finances will take a big hit?  Are you feeling groundless because you’ve just gone through a divorce?  Are you worried about the results of a medical procedure and what will happen after that?  Having hope can help, as it puts you in an emotional place that helps you feel more positive to cope with the problems in front of you.

So, how do you get some of this hope?

People who have hope surround themselves with people who can help them feel more optimistic and negotiate with their future better.  People with hope use their thoughts and energy to focus on the things they can control.  They focus on possibilities and not so much on the negatives.  They are more resilient people and they set goals, no matter the circumstances.  Cultivating the following attributes can help you get you into the habit of having some hope when needed the most:

1. Setting and achieving goals
2. Being around positive people
3. Focusing on the present
4. Being confident
5. Keeping the silver lining in mind
6. Never giving up

Hope may seem like an elusive quality to have, but it is one that we all should strive for.  It increases your ability to face the many challenges of life and to take positive action when needed.  Allow yourself to think differently.  It will make a difference in your life.

Even when good stress happens in our lives – such as the birth of a grandchild or a long-awaited trip – we can feel anxious.  Having jitters or worries is a normal part of life.  But what happens when we have worry that goes beyond what should be a healthy response to stress?

Sometimes when we worry too much about the things that are going on in our lives, we become hyper-aware of our circumstances to the point where we are not aware of anything else.  We may find ourselves becoming hypervigilant, waiting for the next anxiety-producing event to happen.  We may even feel a sense of danger – as if we were being chased by a man-eating bear – and have a high level of arousal in our body that we cannot seem to turn off.  When feeling increasingly anxious, the body signals the brain and increases adrenaline to help the body prepare for a dangerous situation.  This causes the boy to go into “fight or flight” mode to protect itself.  Breathing becomes shallow, heart rate increases, and oxygen rushes to the muscles so we have the strength to flee a dangerous situation.

Being in a constant state of high alert is not good for our bodies or for our minds.  This causes a state of living in dread and worry rather than enjoying life.  If this is happening to you, it may be a good idea to see your doctor who will help to rule out any physical illness that may be causing your anxiety.  Your doctor also may prescribe anti-anxiety medication to help ease the uncomfortable feelings associated with a heightened state of arousal.  In addition, it may be helpful to seek out the services of a trained mental health professional to get at the root of your anxiety.  Often, we are unaware of what is going on in our mind and what are triggers to our anxiety.  Cognitive behavioral therapy is one approach that may help.  It works to change unproductive ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving so you can get to feeling better.

As you get older, it may be difficult to sleep uninterrupted throughout the night.  Does this mean that something is wrong with you?  Not necessarily.  Changes in physical and mental health, activity levels, and medications all can lead to sleeping pattern , and activity levels can contribute to sleeping pattern alterations that are due to aging.  As one example, you may find that you are less physically and socially active than you once were.  This may tempt to take a nap during the day when feeling that urge.  And taking a nap can interfere with nighttime sleeping.  Or it may be that you are taking some medications that make you drowsy during the day and disrupt your sleep at night.  Despite the changes that are taking place in our bodies, there are several things you can do to get more restful sleep.  They may sound easy to do know that it is going to take perseverance and practice on your part to make them work.

So, what are some of the things that will help?

• Set a sleep schedule. This means going to sleep and getting up at the same time each day.
• Turn off all electronics at least one hour before going to bed.
• Find a relaxing routine before going to bed. This could be reading, meditating, or listening to some music.
• Have your doctor evaluate your medications to determine if any might be interfering with your sleep.
• Avoid naps because they make it harder for you to fall asleep at night.
• If you have pain that keeps you up during the night, talk to your doctor. Do not put up with it.
• Avoid large meals, alcohol, and caffeine several hours before going to bed. These can interfere with your sleep.

Sleep is vital to your well-being.  If you follow the above recommendations, you will improve the quality and quantity of your sleep.  Aim for 7 to 8 hours of sleep per night and you will feel more energized and ready to face the day.

Did your pet die?

If so, this is a heartbreaking event to go through.  The emotional pain you experience can be intense and you may not understand what is happening.

Losing a pet can be a devastating loss, especially for people who rely upon their pets for companionship and their sense of well-being.  People and their pets often have an amazing bond – and when they leave us – their loss can be overwhelming.

Sometimes, feelings of grief and loss can be hard to manage.  Grief has many manifestations, and you may feel isolated and alone when your pet dies.  The void that is felt by their absence in your house is often evident.  You may feel numb, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, guilty, confused and/or have an overall sense that you are lost in life.  In addition to this, family and friends may unknowingly minimize what you are going through because an animal died and not a human being.  Losing a pet is often associated with grief that is disenfranchised because other people do not understand the attachment that you had to your pet.  What does disenfranchised mean?  It can mean that grief associated with losing a pet is not well-accepted by societal norms and that it is  minimized, misunderstood, and/or disregarded by others.  This may intensify the difficult emotions that you already have surrounding your loss.  You may be questioning yourself and what you feel, thus alienating you from getting the support that you need.

There are many websites that can help you with your grief, to name a few:  grief.com, petlosspartners.org, and healgrief.org.  There are also several Facebook groups and chatrooms such as rainbowsbridge.com that help you find the support you need while grieving.  You may find it helpful to reach out to a trained therapist who can help you with your grief and move forward with your life after the loss of your beloved pet.  It is best to do this when you are having difficulty with your grief and unable to function in your life as well as you once did.

Do not make a go of it alone.  Find ways to reach out to others who understand what it is like to lose a pet.

What is well-being and are you at peace with yourself?

There are many answers to this question, but it essentially boils down to three things:  feeling comfortable, healthy, and happy in your life.  Well-being is linked to satisfaction in life and ultimately, how you feel about yourself.  Well-being is tied to your mental health and whether you find yourself in need of a counselor to help you if you are in psychological distress.

There are three questions that help address your state of well-being.

1. Do you feel like yourself?
   If you say no, or “I don’t know,” this may be an indicator that something is amiss even before knowing yourself what is going on.

2. What is missing?
   If you answered “no” to question #1, the next question to ask is what is missing in your life that will help you feel like the person you know yourself to be?

3. Do you have interest, fun, and relaxation in your life?
   Your sense of well-being is also dependent on your capability to explore the world around you – to live as fully as you choose. The question to ask yourself is whether you can make room for interest, fun, and relaxation in your life.

To have good mental health, it is essential to keep in touch with your own internal world.  Most of us can keep up with the business of life – our external world – but that can become one-sided and detrimental to who we are as people.  Seeking assistance from a counselor to help you achieve inner well-being is worth the effort.  After all, your life is what you make of it.  Why not feel happier?  Try some counseling to help you through the process.

Addressing one’s mental health is just as important as addressing one’s physical health. Sometimes, the two are interrelated and cause problems if left unchecked. Seeking services from a trained mental health counselor is a sign of strength, not weakness. Many people may feel a sense of stigma or shame if they go to a counselor to talk about their personal problems. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, grief, or any other problems of daily living, do not be afraid to reach out. While it takes courage and willpower to do this, know that it is a sign of strength to make things better in your life. Change is not always easy but if you want something different for your life, it may be time to reach out to a professional. Sometimes it takes a counselor’s perspective to see things differently to cope with life’s transitions and make needed changes.

Dr. Gail Maurer with Village Counseling LLC has over 30 years of experience in the field of aging and working with older adults. She will help you make sense out of a confusing situation, make decisions that bring you relief, and plan for a more secure future. Village Counseling LLC accepts original Medicare, out-of-network insurance benefits, and private pay for services rendered.

For more information, call 501-503-1500 or send an email to villagecounselingllc.com so you can take that first step.

Here are a few examples of life transitions for older adults: Retirement, Loss of loved one, Declining health, Relocation, Physical and emotional effects of aging, social isolation

A life transition is something you go through that changes your life as you once knew it. It causes you to re-examine your life and where you have been and where you are going. Life transitions can sometimes be expected – such as getting married or sending a child off to school – but they can also be unpredictable – such as going through an unexpected medical event or the death of a spouse or family member.

Life transitions can be difficult to deal with because they shake your sense of identity and challenge you to reconsider who you are and who you are to become. When you hear somebody tell you that change is an inevitable part of life and to just shake it off, this isn’t an easy task. Change can be difficult.

Transitions have a way of altering our roles and relationships, our surroundings and routines, and even who we are as people. Often, it is a very confusing experience, especially if you consider yourself to be a “strong” person, unaffected by the unsettling emotions that often result. Life transitions have a way of sneaking up on you, sweeping you off your feet as you struggle to find your footing once again. Sometimes transitions can cause you to experience grief because you are leaving behind the life you once knew. The silver lining with transition is that there is the possibility for new and different things to happen in your life.

Counseling can help you find strength through times of change and uncertainty and help you explore a new life and a redefined sense of self. It can also help you manage your emotions, create new support systems, identify new sources of meaning, and empower you to have thoughts of hope rather than despair.

Have you been feeling sad lately, especially since the winter weather is upon us?

Do you usually feel sad or is this something that has cropped up since the days are getting shorter with less sunlight? What is sadness, anyway? It is an emotion that you can have, bringing with it feelings such as disappointment, disinterest, a low mood, helplessness, and hopelessness, to name just a few.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a real thing. It can happen when the seasons change and there is less sunlight during the day. People can become less active, feeling like they are cooped up in their homes. Seasonal changes can impact the way people think, feel, and act. It is as if you are a different person, a person who is negative, withdrawn, and unable to enjoy life as you did just a few months ago.

If you notice that the way that you feel begins to change and improve when spring arrives, then you may be suffering from SAD.

So, what is SAD? The type we are talking about today is known as winter-pattern SAD. Some people may experience SAD during other seasons of the year for differing reasons and not related to the amount of sunlight they get. However, this is not as common as winter-pattern SAD. Most people experience SAD in the winter months. SAD is a type of depression with a seasonal pattern having some of the following symptoms:

• Feeling depressed
• Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Changes in appetite and/or weight
• Sleep changes
• Feeling sluggish or agitated
• Trouble concentrating
• Feeling hopeless or worthless
• Social withdrawal
• Anxiety
• Having thoughts about death or suicide

Many people have SAD but they do not know it, especially when living in Northern climates. People living in New England and Alaska are much more likely to develop SAD than people living in Florida. SAD happens when some of our brain chemicals do not function properly and this affects our mood. There are several treatments for SAD, such as light therapy, mental health counseling, medications, and nutritional supplements such as Vitamin D.

If you think you are experiencing SAD, your first step should be to discuss this with your health provider and get some counseling to get you through a challenging time. Taking medication and talking about what is going on in your life can help to improve your symptoms and feel supported. It can also prevent some of the more severe symptoms of SAD from occurring and feeling more able to take control of your life.